Session 18, Emotional Regulation class 6, Reducing Judgement.
Class six of emo reg notes and points of interest or "ahha moments" as the Americans like to call it (am I being judgmental?) will be kept brief to make way for plenty of worksheet exercise time and time for me to fekkin catch up.
No further a do:
Note to self, go back to the first mindful exercise and do it over again, in peace and get it right! ↩️
First off during our session we touched on radical acceptance and "being in the moment" as to recap.
Then we progressed on to points such as:
Duality; using judgement vs being judgmental.
Inner wisdom; discernment vs judging others or self.
Discernment; trusting inner wisdom and what that actually means and discerning grey areas with mindful appraisal of situations.
What being judgmental is and how it can be positive and necessary and just common sense and not always negative and in fact succinct efficient judgment calls our important in some situations when time is of the essence etc. But ....
Judging can be a lazy succinct over efficient method of decision making that seems socially accepted.
Red flags. Noticing judgment, especially negative judgment.
Adding evaluations of good or bad when not or appropriate.
We discussed the above points in context of cultural and family values etc and how that influences our judgment calls.
Historical data (our experiences) and our coloured judgments for good or bad.
Different folks different strokes re judgments.
Then on to the crux of the matter re judgments and how us BPD'ers get it wrong:
Black/White thinking. Especially concerning judging other people and even more so the ones we love the most. (fear)
Inwardly or outwardly both unhealthy and cause suffering.
Reducing judgments to reduce suffering notes:
All ⬆️ cause inaccurate word views and inner suffering often impacting others and causing them suffering too.
Internal stories, our story line and background story lines cause suffering and in accurate assumptions and vica versa. These learned behaviors or schema our internally developed to help us cope with trauma and misery (often as a consequence of abuse and neglect) all of which are maladaptive. Our wiring got fucked up!
These schemas develop and shape our judgments or how we judge life and people and things around us. Our judgments are our schemas and vica versa.
These learned horrid schemas trigger us and cause unbearable suffering throughout life unless treated thoroughly and correctly.
Key points briefly:
Extreme perceptions about ourselves mainly but others too (splitting) - negative.
"I am a failure" judgments.
Proportion and perspective.
Relationships, work, self image negative schema challenge.
Fact CHECKING. FACT! Keep checking.
IS IT EFFECTIVE? Skills. Judgment.
Schema. Not always "fix" it but be mindful of it!
We have a Choice about how we choose to judge and whether we engage in improving our outlook. I choose to improve. 💡
Reaction discussion key words:
Big fucking triggers for me especially around people I either really dislike or really love. Messed up shit innt!
Rephrase Noticed Judgments as facts and perceived consequences:
Scrap the "shoulds and Should'ts and rephrase that judgmental stuff.
As discussed at some length, language really matters when it comes to practicing not being judgmental. Two key words we touches upon are fairly obvious but very loaded. The words:
Should and Shouldn't
We need to learn to and practice rephrasing such words and expressions, such as:
I want this to be different than it is
This should be different than it is
Language has a massive impact on our mindset and speaks hugely about judgments and plays into the practice of radical acceptance.
⬆⬆ Sums it up! Change the cause. How might we change the cause? One way is to rephrase our trigger laden language. #compromise
It's also wise to bear in mind that "should be's and shouldn't be's" are different things to different people as they are opinion based. Different folks different strokes. Agree to disagree is sometimes the solution to many problems!
Bear in mind that nothing is random. Take a look at the causes with an open mind. You'll see that should and shouldn't don't need to apply and your language needs to adjust in order to practice thinking differently, less judgmentally.
That's the notes then. Next I'll add to this entry a Negative Thought Record once I've had a week or two to fill in some of my judgey shit.
Something like that above but a bit different.
Not to self: rejig on word, print and photocopy the master. ❗
Another note to self:
Note: My private homework is done and has been submitted direct. Not to be made public. ✔