Self Respect Effectiveness. S29/U3/L7.
Another session that's very close to the bone and pinches on a few key nerves.
I only want to share some of this sesh as a good deal of it, what I covered in my work here is to personal and private to share here in specifics and makes for grim reading anyway.
It's Covid19 virus lockdown here in the UK and this is where remote sessions come into there own. We get to keep working on our selfs in these anxious, uncertain, unprecedented times.
Right. In brief note format here are some of the key topics and skills and practices covered.
A bit of a recap and splicing of DEAR MAN skills - getting our meds met using assertiveness with ...
FAST - keeping self respect and keeping relationships.
These skills talk about how I want to feel during and after interactions?
Being a bully?
Keeping my self respect?
Staying "in the moment"?
All core elements we explored.
FAIR skills: Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Anyone who has read my blog entries or who knows me well, will know I got very ill and I fucked alot of shit up by becoming very very unfair. Abusive.
This bit of this session is a very focused part of exactly what I've been focusing and working on very hard to turn around, relearn and get right.
Things like challenging:
Silent treatment - the passive violence of silence.
Assumptions - being a judgmental cock womble.
Outlandish requests - being a self centered fool. So unfair.
Mind reading - not communicating my thoughts and not asking for other people's thoughts and accepting them as they are.
I have identified the above negative traits as being part of my horrid abusive M. O. when I have been and am in the uninsightful, ineffective, sickly place in my mind I no longer want dwell.
Targeted techniques and practices are being prescribed, learned and practised to help me gain deep insights into these behaviours and learn how to counter act them and eventually rewire my mind to behave in the opposite ways. Healthy ways.
Not easy but I'm on it. I don't want to hurt anyone or myself with these childish behaviours ever again.
Next we discussed AVOID skills as part of the FAIR skill set:
We looked at how we might avoid taking advantage of people or being taken advantage of by others.
Discussed at length was how both of these behaviours errode self respect and why we behave like this. What the causes are in how we learn these maladaptive negative traits and backward skills. How we learned this to cope as an abuser child. Neglected children develop these traits to get there needs met and also become vulnerable emotionally allowing others to identify that and use it to suit there needs. It's a double edged thing, both negative.
Discussing this helps me to get my head around it all and develop etc but fuck me does it also fill me with rage at my parents and others who were in charge of my well being as a child and young man and to a degree, a grown adult. But I must allow and acknowledge that rage and finally at last in my 40's, process it in a healthy manner.
Better late than never.
Learning how to validate both parties in a discussion or debate or argument, acknowledging both points of view.
Listening skills. I will cover this one soon in detail but listening without butting in is essential to these skills. Listen.
All of these skills and practices reinforce self respect through being fair and adult, as does:
Forgiveness towards your self and others when mistakes occur. Mistakes happen. It's life and forgiveness in most circumstances whether right away or later down the line, us the only answer and cure and path to self respect.
Benefit of the doubt. We all know what this means. It's an important tool used wisely.
Take responsibility. Shoulder your weight of the burden.
All of these points covered above amount to integrity, dignity and self respect which in turn help us to find purpose and happiness and help us to behave in the best, most mature way possible. This is the goal. To grow up.
Covered also, we debated being fucking so sorry all the time. The how, what and why of it all. A huge issue throughout my life.
Stop over apologising if or for:
Who you are
Making a request
Having your own opinion
Stand your ground. Be firm in your convictions. Stay true to your own values.
Of course warranted appoligies are cool. Manners and a fair play attitude are always a good thing.
One thing is for sure, I will never begg any cunt for anything ever again. You won't ever see me on my knees again. I will never beg for forgiveness ever again. It gets thrown back in your face and that stings.
Begging for forgiveness utterly erodes self esttem, self respect, self love. It knocks your security sideways and you look weak and annoying and that gets used against you.
Discussing this reinforced my determination to never go there again. It stung.
So did this bit of the session. But it needs too!
Discussed and agreed upon:
Stick To Your Values! Stand firm in your own moral stance.
Avoid selling out your values, integrity and dignity to gain something or achieve a goal. Fuck that. Be mindful of self respect and your own moral code.
Are all things that matter more than money, popularity, material, prestige or status.
Important rules to live by:
Stay away from those who do not hold these things to be true.
"speak up when you feel you need to"
Be heard. Be a straight shooter. Be real and on the level.
"know and stand by your moral code"
Be mindful of your own identity and be mindful of compromising that. Don't people please and errode your own self esteem.
Do not people please. If it's not okay, say so. Validate your own feelings and thoughts and values.
Don't play the helpless victim. Don't play on BPD or any vulnerability. Stop the flaky bullshit. Be fair. Be responsible.
Be bold. Be assertive. Make yourself proud and happy.
Stop relying on others to rescue you. Make ans to rescue yourself. Make the effort that feels like moving a mountain. Try. Make yourself proud.
H O N E S T Y. Don't pretend.
The next bit of the session will remain private. Apart from these phrases because I like them and they help me:
Avoidance is of no use what so ever. Break the cycle.
Write a script and cope ahead. Troubleshoot first. Visualise potential reactions.
"c o p e a h e a d"
Silent treatment never works! Ever. Don't do it. It's unfair and immature.
That's it for now folks! Excuse the typos. Un proof checked as standard. Waka Waka.
⬆️ Head Therapist ⬆️ Pheobe Phd.