S27.L5.U4. Identity and Self Discovery session notes. Unfinished.
Updated: Mar 9, 2020
Another insightful session.
Right off the bat after a mindfulness excersise we smashed right into how that:
Partners do not complete you.
You complete you with insight and knowledge. I know this. I am fundamentaly aware of this. I now accept this after a life time of having no real sense of who I am.
After my previous longterm relationship and the way it ended, I can never think in any other way again, or become so attached ever again. I have at least learne a lesson.
Attachment + mental illness/emotional coping skill deficits (BPD) + a cold snake = SNAFU. Fucked. I fully acknowledge my part in driving her away though. I was very very shot away. Mad.
Before that relationship, I was in contact with my self a bit more I think, far less stressed out and disconnected from reality but now I'm getting to know myself better than ever before and love myself for the first time ever and accepting alot of things about my life and who I am. I really don't want to fall out of that self love zone again, into that dark self hatred trap again. Ever. In fact, as it stands, I just don't want any romantic attachments that pile on the stress that will push me over the edge. I'm looking for chill. Anyway, that discussion was helpful. Always good to be reminded of self love and not falling into Co dependency patterns of thought.
We talked about terms relating to this, such as mirroring. Mirroring because of lack of self. Lack of self esteem. Self identity disturbance.
This is a huge component of BPD and indeed my entire life since I was ten years old I have suffered with a fractured sense of self. Severe cognitive dissonance. To the point of having psychotic delusions about my self in an effort to make up for the lack of self and self esteem. I still have those troubles. I'm aware and insightful now. I know what, why and how. I'm on it. Calling myself out.
Mirroring is a sign of a broken sense of self and can manifest in the ways above and below. These manifestations can make make life very hard to find the real stable you with a strong sense of self and being able to stay grounded. It's unhealthy to say the least. Toxic. I have manifested all of these behaviours in my life to the extreme degree and lesser degrees, not really knowing who, what I am about at all. Desperately looking for an identity and sense of belonging that my childhood and much of my adulthood was devoid of.
At this point I now know this , I have real genuine insight and not just lip service insight.
I've known the theory all my adult life but not how it works. I do now. Again, I'm calling myself out on it addressing the core issues, schemas and behaviours. I'm on it. I'm not fixed but I'm getting real and working on it. I have to keep asserting that. Reminding myself.
I want the world to know too so people can call bullshit on me to help me heal too.
Anyway, I'm rambling.
Mimicking social group mannerisms
Fractured core beliefs, lack of core beliefs Identity through jobs, lack of core self.
Changes in jobs, education, interests, social settings Etc.
We spoke about how our quest is to find our real selfs.
Who am I?
What is my core self? Not other peoples core selfs. Our own. Our own true core values.
Our own values, interests, beliefs, moral values, goals, ideas, opinions, politics, spiritual views, our own idea of we hold to be true.
Not our peers ideas or opinions, our own.
Not media influences, religeous leaders, politicians etc etc. Our own balanced thought out sense of self.
This all essential to be able to live an emotionaly healthy, happy life with a sense of integrity.
It's so important to find a head place where one can be constant across relationships and environments.
Something I have seriously not been able to achieve in my life thus far. I have been the exact opposite. A fucking nightmarish roller coaster ride. Total train wreck.
Consistency is part of my my end game. The goal. My wish. I want to feel constant and offer loved ones consistency that I have thus far lacked.
I want to be stable.
Behaviours I have exhibited, stealthily, subtlety but destructively are chameleon, mimicking behaviours. Untrue, disingenuous, manipulative behaviours in order to find shallow, temporary meaning, belonging and identities. All ineffective survival behaviours learned through abusive, toxic environments and experiences.
Toxic behaviours. Not through malice but for survival, for managing and fighting loneliness and depression and because of faulty neurological wiring also caused by the same abuse.
Challenging and changing these behaviours is tantamount to my BPD recovery.
All of the behaviours we discussed above are ineffective in adulthood and are more ineffective than ever Now. They are redundant and need to change.
I want to be truly at peace with my true self. Happy.
Enmeshment as in co dependance has failed and will only ever fail. Only I can make myself happy through dbt, self discipline and with a little help from my loved ones.
It's on me to put the work in.
Know thy self. Backbone! To communicate effectively.
This is unfinished ⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️⬅️ To do: ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️ DEAR MAN delivery Jung mini workbook and thoughts on it ✔️ done Pintest board What do I hold to be true? Complete this ‼️‼️ started ✔️❗❗❗❗I will do this bit later.
I did the Jung typology test as instructed and the fucking website to do it did not work. I tried 3 fucking times and it just pissed me off 😠 I was steaming 😂
So I tried another site, it worked and I got a result.
Apparently I'm an ISFP personality type out of 16 possibilities according to Jung.
Introvert Sensor Feeler Perciever
I kind of agree with the result as far as it goes. I'm a tad dubious about how this judgement is made though, as in how it's worked out.
After my waste of fucking time experience with the first website we were directed to, I have fucked the mini workbook off. For now.
To annoyed, angry right now in fact, to bother with it.
I will post some Screenshots from the website I found that did work.
Excuse my language. I'm pissed off at wasting a bastard hour and a half on a website that didn't work. I have a lot on and I don't need this bullshit.
Etc etc etc. I didn't enjoy this excersise one bit because of the technical fucking uselessness of the resource.