• IdiotTheWise

S25, U3, C3. Relation coping skills and mindful behaviour. 

Updated: Feb 25, 2020

This past week has been utter fucking pants. I mean, hideous. What is more, it has been entirely my own fault. Without going into unnecessary detail, I got very fucking pissed impulsively and spending money I cannot afford to spend and I behaved like a total peen arse towards people who don't deserve to be treated like that at all. I've been a shitty friend.

So there it is. Apologies have been made. Bridges have been repaired, I hope. I am publicly holding my hand up and repenting.

Lessons have learned. Work is being done on this.

A blip. A relapse into maladaptive ineffective dickhead behaviour. Ffs Cummins. Make this the last one eh!

So, as a result of the above utter SNAFU, my DBT homework has taken a bit of a hit along side pretty much everything else these last few days. Therefore, no notes type up in this entry, no mindless rambling on about the live sessions.

Instead, I'll use this blog entry to follow my conflict log. Updates as the log is slowly filled out will be posted here with observations and conclusions to follow. Check back for updates on my battle against toxic conflict. Ironically.

A few lesson notes from the Mckay work book below for the conflict log homework that I have been set. This is to observe and become and remain mindfulabout aversive behaviours:

Oh my fuck. I will reformat the mess below another day. Fucking app is sheeeeeeat.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills

Workbook, 1st Edition Chapter 8

Relationships are precious, and they are vulnerable. They bring love, companionship, and support. Yet, sometimes in a matter of moments, they can become broken beyond repair. Keeping your relationships healthy and alive requires interpersonal skills that you can learn in this chapter and the next. The most necessary and important of these skills is assertiveness, which is the ability to (1) ask for what you want, (2) say no, and (3) negotiate conflict without damaging the relationship. Before learning assertiveness, however, there are some key things you need to know.


Relationships require attention. Whether it’s a lover, friend, coworker, or merely a carpool companion, maintaining a good relationship depends on noticing the other person’s feelings and reactions and then watching the process between you. Using the mindfulness skills you practiced in chapters 3 through 5, you can observe facial expression, body language, tone of voice, and choice of words during a conversation to get a fix on the mood and state of the relationship. Paying attention means staying in the here and now—not thinking about what you want to say next or focusing on some memory. It means remaining present to what you see, hear, and sense emotionally. In the same way that you can breathe, walk, or even do dishes mindfully, you can also relate with full awareness to the present moment. When you pay attention, you notice trouble coming—before it overwhelms you—and also gain time to ask clarifying questions that can help you correct misconceptions. Not paying attention—focusing away from the moment between you and others—has a heavy price.

You’ll end up doing one or more of the following:

 Missing vital cues about the other person’s needs and reactions

 Projecting, inaccurately, your fears and feelings on the other

 Blowing up or running away when “surprised” by a negative response you could have seen coming Mindful attention also involves watching your own experience in relation to others.

Do you need something from the other person (for example, more attention or some help)? Do you need to change the process between you (for example, critical comments, demands, intrusive questions)?

Do you have feelings that signal something important about what’s going on (hurt, sadness, loss, shame, anxiety)?

Noticing your feelings can help you figure out what needs to change in a relationship—before you blow up or run away. In summary, then, the first interpersonal skill you need to cultivate is mindful attention because it helps you read important signals about the state of a relationship.

Exercise: Mindful Attention In the very next conversation you have, practice being an observer of the moment by attending to the other person’s physical and verbal behavior. If you find anything ambiguous or hard to read, ask a clarifying question. Here are some examples:

 How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?

 How are we doing? Are we okay?

 How are things between us?

 I notice ; is that accurate?

 Is everything okay with you? With us? Also notice your own needs and feelings in the interaction—do any of these require communication?

How could you say it in a way that preserves the relationship? Bill had noticed his girlfriend Gina looking away from him during dinner. When he asked “How are things between us?” she told him that she’d been hurt not to be invited to his office solstice party. This gave him a chance to explain that he hated company events and only planned to put in an appearance for a few minutes.


etc etc etc

click here for the full material, far easier! This entry will be updated soon.

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