S25, U3, C3. Relation coping. Passive Aggression and aggression focus.
As instructed, I have chosen an area of focus as far as hardwired negative maladaptive coping mechanisms go. Two in fact.
Without going into the technicalities of it, hard wired behaviours that I learned as a developing child and adult from those charged with my care (or lack of it), my upbringing.
Aggression and passive aggression are patterns of behaviour I learned and became hardwired as life coping skills. I am fully aware of this now and I am mindful that I have inherited these dark, twisted, horrible ineffective coping behaviours that have in fact made my life and the life of others that have managed to get close to me, very difficult. Something I have great remorse about.
I can be very aggresive. I can be very passive aggresive. I have the potential and I have been, abusive. Something at the time I had no insight into. Shot to fuck. That's no excuse. There isn't an excuse. Certainly not now I have gained so much insight into my shit behavior, why I have been like I have been, how it works and how to negate, reduce and eliminate with work, effort and practice, these toxic schemas and improve my mental health, well being and self love, which can only have a positive knock on effect on those I allow into my life.
In brief, without any DBT psycho babble I am focused on these behaviours, employing DBT skill and practices to improve the positive and reduce the negative patterns:
Anger. Aggression. Rage - Using selected skills practices I am focused on circum navigating my flash red hot nasty bastard temper. My rage does nothing but destroy relationships (and things) around me. The only time I should be raging is in moments of needing to survive, as in fight, flight or freeze (FFF) . Aggression can be tempered (pun intended) to suit the situation. Aggression can be useful. Not rage, unless in FFF. Aggression in the right situation, right context, right nuance is human. Aggression out of context, out of perspective, out of control is clearly unhealthy. My focus will be on learning more about controlling this and not hurting, scaring, controlling others with my temper, ever again. Take accountability.
Passive aggression. I know all about this too, having been on the receiving end my entire childhood and early adulthood and beyond. Again, behaviours I have learned. Twisted, dark, manipulative, controlling, belittling, bullying, deceptive, destructive abusive horrid head fucking behaviours. Gas lighting nasty stuff I grew up around and a victim of, massively. Very very confusing. I know I've been doing this now. I have learned. I have been shown the error of my ways. I accept that. I own it and I am nothing but willing to take full accountability for it and accountability to change it, for the better. I have DBT now, I finally have support, back up and a teacher. A way to unlearn and learn new positive schemas to build up and beyond the negative schemas. A new bag of tools to use and avoid the cuntish, abusive behaviours I am ashamed to admit, I have used in the past. Messed up stuff.
So, there you have it in brief. These are two major areas of my life, my self, I am mindful of and working very hard on (🤭 heehee, I just said hard on).
When I die, I want to able to say I'm a good person. Divinity. Integrity.
Right some wrongs through being better, even if I can't turn the clocks back.
Hope at least some of that makes sense!
10 4. Roger that. Over and out.