Random Thoughts On Loop.
Updated: Dec 16, 2021
Current thoughts on non stop loop in my brain.
Belonging nowhere, not fitting in, fucking anywhere at all or so it feels sometimes, hurts. But its a classic BPD symptom, feeling like that even when it's not necessarily true. I am mindful of this.
Fucked neural network and amygdala you see. Google it. Science.
No more booze (bar odd blow out to catch up with friends 50 miles up the road).
No more pub culture social life then. No more pub gigs. No more birthday piss ups. No more being one of gang at the bar all on the same drunken level, feeling like we belong. That's out.
It was a huge part of my life.
Trying to rebuild a life, healthier, cleaner, more conducive to being me, is hard work and it's lonely sometimes. Very lonely.
I am a lone wolf. But that's okay. Its a phase.
Yet, that's who I am underneath all the surface cock sure self defence mechanism bullshit. I'm a lone wolf.
5 years solid DBT to try and heal from my wounds and resulting toxic personality character flaws that have caused so much confusion and damage.
Wounds as old as 35 years old ..... and what followed. Horrid. Insipid.
Its no surprise then that I'm a fucking loner.
I'm a low key lone wolf.
I'm good at it.
Or am I? I dunno. Do lonexwolfs get lonely?
I do. I feel very alone to much than a man should, despite the few really good beautiful, wonderful people around me.
Some people I thought were real friends have turned out not to be. Bit gutted. But that's life. Distance sorts that from the chaff.
I can't help but be honest. I don't think being honest about these things is negativity.
Good luck to them though. Genuinely. My door and heart is always open to them.
I hope I'm not the nasty horrible negative damaged bastard I became though through mental illness, any more.
What a horrid few years.
I'm very mindful.
I lost a part of me I can't find again.
That can't happen to me again and I can't let that monster inside loose, ever again.
The nuclear rage.
The violent outbursts.
The sheer self hatred.
The self shame.
The self harm.
The self destruction
Theatrical words don't do it justice. And I haven't got the gift of eloquence in my dodgy written or spoken English.
Those who live with /have lived with severe EUPD and similar disorders will understand "the monster".
It crippled me for so so long. And I was made to feel like a criminal for it by those that didn't understand.
Not their fault.
Meds that make me fat and tired and damages my kidneys and psychotherapy that intrigues me but drains the bejeezus out of me, it is then. Needs must.
And self care. I need to refocus and redouble down on my vision and not be lured back into old boring habits. There's a lot of new shit to be done. Good shit. New places.
I need to double down on positivity.
I need to not be listening to that voice of self doubt and sabotage in head. The voice.
I feel myself slipping and no one is noticing or listening. Again, no one's fault. No blame nonsense here.
I have to dig deep.
Thoughts on loop.
So, there I've typed it out very loosely and published it to "hold myself accountable", re DBT.
I will publish a "cope ahead" exercise later today or tomorrow as per suggestion.
Whinge over. This shit makes me cringe. But there it is.
Edit: mini self pity over thinking bullshit over.
DBT skills practice works.