Random Thoughts On Loop.
Updated: May 3
Thoughts, negative thoughts inparticular (wraaaaaagh!), get stuck in my head on loop like a stuck record. Intrusive thoughts. Drives me loopy and 😬This happens to everyone to a degree but with me it happens all the time, almost, and it happens on a magnified or should I say amplified level. It becomes very noisy, distorted and toxic. A symptom of my stupid annoying mental health condition. Therefore as a matter of taking responsibility and accountability and clawing back some degree of sanity into my everyday life I have to be extra mindful and take extra steps to address and rectify and negate this issue, to get my thoughts in order and not get everything twisted and skewed and just plain wrong. I've got a lot of things very wrong in my time.
DBT is the key tool in this endeavour. It's tiring but I have to practice DBT skills and sometimes write alot things out, journal things in order to really get my head around my own jumbled up thoughts, check the FACTS (a DBT tool) and straighten it all out. A needs must. If I don't do this I end up splitting and/or spiralling into silly head spaces. These fairly newly learned DBT informed skills have really helped me manage my shit and keep said shit locked down.
BPD Bee explains it well:
From BPD bee. Thankyou bee.
So here I am blogging about my current intrusive thoughts on non stop loop in my noisy brain going around and around and around.......Damn. Things that that have been upsetting me and causing me problems, internally. Driving me to distraction.
I am trying to accept these things and understand them. So Im about to about to do some moaning about it all to help me straighten the train of thought out and try to push some intruding noise away. AKA "journalling".
First though, let me explain:
This blog entry is to open up about present in the day head fucks in my noisy head with my DBT/BPD "fight club" peer group loonies I am involved with but I've also shared this post on my public ruffroot blog as well as it's not a majorly private blog entry per-se and some issues like lonliness needs to be opened up about more and discussed in public forums, society, and addressed more openly and de-stigmatised. Experiencing some lonely stuff in life isn't something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It's human stuff.
First rule of our private BPD fight club though is we don't talk about fight club. It's our closed group open to others to join by direct PM request and approval or invite. If you have EUPD or related challenges and would like to join a private informal online support group that is totally confidential, send me a message and reach out and I will tell you all about what we do to help each other. We are not professionals but we live it first hand and offer peer group support.
Also this post isn't a cry for help or "attention seeking" or anything to negative. It's matter of fact. Honest. Raw journalling.
Doing it alone. Mostly. I've gone a bit solo.
This on/off lonliness thing is tiresome. But it is a thing and it is human and nothing to be ashamed of. It's part of the disorder. A symptom.
Feeling like you are belonging nowhere in life, not fitting in fucking anywhere at all or so it feels sometimes, the square peg in a round hole, that shit, it hurts. It's Purgatory. But it's a classic EUPD symptom feeling like that, even when it's not necessarily logical and it's also an on on/off symptom. At least for me it is. Comes and goes in waves.
Being aware and fully conscious of it is a good and mindful thing but also a really really frustrating thing. Bit of catch 22. Awareness can be a head fuck too. Ignorance is bliss they say right?
I am mindful of this personality/neurological glitch but it's an exhausting glitch.
It's a real symptom and it's not made up or imaginary. Here's some context and science for the stigma informed doubters and there are doubters. Even this week I was on the end of some veiled BPD related put downs by someone intelligent who should know better!
Changes in my life thoughts are on loop in my head.
I have stepped away.
No more booze (bar odd blow out to catch up with fake pub friends 50 miles up the road to a lesser and lesser extent). Fake friends but not bad people. Some great people in fact but I know now they are not friends unless the pub or alcohol is involved.
No more pub culture social life the, that stuff is over. No more pub gigs until I can be certain I won't drink at all. No more birthday piss ups. No more sneaky white line belters in the toilet with lads who were dragging me down to their level. No more being one of gang at the bar, all on the same drunken level, feeling like we belong. But actually don't. Superficial level stuff really. That's out. Can't do it. Fucks me up. Makes me ill, exacerbates my mental heaIth illness and makes me behave like an assshole. I clearly have a binge drinking issue so best I avoid it altogether. Facts.
It was a huge part of my life because I've never been a house visiting dinner party socialising kind of person because I am a low key ball of anxiety with a noisy head. So booze and drugs and a good pub scene became a great solution for my social anxiety quirks ever since I was 15. Drinking (getting wankered) took the edge off and took the inhibitions away. The drinking and the pub became my culture, my crutch. Not healthy.
No more. No can do.
Massive life shift out of that behaviour trap.
It's on my mind though. Loopin'. I am often tempted to revert back and re-establish myself as a pub going drinking member of a social scene. Old habits die hard.
I must not go there. The temptation will peter out as time goes by and I find my feet again.
(I had some bloody good times though, crazy messy even dangerous great times.)
Trying to rebuild a better life, healthier, cleaner, more conducive life to my mental health and spiritual self is hard work and it's a lonely journey sometimes. Very lonely. Perhaps its meant to be?
Alienating, at least for now.
As I establish myself amongst and into other healthier sober social networks, slowly but surely the feeling of aloneness will change to a degree. It's changing now already, slowly, but it takes time what with being a bit of an introvert and recluse and not on the piss anymore.
Feeling let down.
People who claim to be real friends and claim to be caring and empathic and "Christians" even, have not made the effort to visit and check in on me and have my back, not even once. That stings. After all I helped them with, the time I gave them. Hypocrites. Those are even non pub friends. I got mugged over there. Nothing. Not one visit to my new home in a year and a half. Users. Harsh lesson learned there.
I feel a little bit bitter about that I can not lie.
I'll do it alone.
I am a lone wolf right now. But that's okay. Acceptance is key. I accept where I am at.
That's who I am underneath all the surface cock sure self defence mechanism bullshit anyway. I'm a loner. I am introvert.
I think I understand why.
Years and years, decades, trying to understand, accept and heal from some old nasty wounds and I suspect a genetic disposition as well has left me with a resulting unwelcome toxic personality disorder full of character flaws that have caused so much confusion and damage to myself and others along the way, has in the end, rendered me alienated. Both by choice and by consequence. In a nut shell.
Its no surprise then that I'm a fucking loner is it! It makes sense. I'm a low key lone wolf. Does it make me a bad person? I don't think so. I had made me very aware and this phase of my life had woken me up to some truths about my real self and the nature of what is and is not genuine friendship. I'm 44, it takes meaning while. I'm a slow learner.
All this stuff is on loop in my mind as I strive to understand and fix myself more and more and improve. Even if I only live another 5 years, It's a worthwhile quest. We have a moral duty to try to be our best selfs don't we? Considering we have this gift that is existing. Life.
I would like to die happier than I am now and perhaps share my life again with someone but I won't do that until I am absolutely confident in my self and my behaviours.
Can I change this up but differently? New people, new things? Sobriety is a must. Not being a crazy asshole is a must. Can I do this? I can but that little voice in the back of my head needs muting. Im trying to gag the bastard. My head is so noisy with doubt and fear sometimes. Like borderline schitzo noisy.
I'm trying but I'm hitting walls. Anxiety and depression does that. But we soldier on.
All that shit is in my head loopin around and around and around but.. .........
I remind myself:
I am grateful for the beautiful, wonderful people around me. Those that have stuck by me. I am most certainly not alone.
Move to a new town and watch your friends fall away. Drop like flies they do.
As I say some people I thought were real friends have turned out not to be. Bit gutted. But that's life I guess. Distance sorts the wheat from the chaff. That fact has been on loop though, kinda stuck in my thoughts and heart. It's called grieving I think. Yes. I'm grieving that loss even if it's not really a real loss as such. I grieve because I care. They do not. It is what it is.
Their platitudes fall on deaf ears now.
I can't help but be honest. I don't think being honest about these things is negativity or attention seeking as some like to tell you or tell others or tell themselves. Fuck em.
Am I improving? Keeping myself in check.
I just hope I am making the progress I strive for and that I'm not the nasty horrible negative damage case that I became and was to a few people, especially to someone inparticular that did not deserve to be on the end of my toxic bullshit, through my broken disordered mental illness, madness. Mental illness is no excuse though. A horrid few years really at times. Grim.
One day that guilt and anger at my mental state will stop loopin' in my mind too and I will properly forgive myself.
It won't happen again.
I'm very mindful and self aware now.
That can't happen to me again and I can't let that angry monster inside loose, ever again. I was nuts. Fuckin' nuts!
The nuclear level rage.
The violent outbursts.
The sheer self hatred.
The paranoia bordering psychosis.
The self shame.
The self harm.
The self destruction
I became very dark. I was in hell and I treated people badly.
Theatrical words don't do it justice. And I'm no writer that can make it work in words.
I think this whole entry is about my grief working its way slowly through me. The lost time and opportunity of lasting happiness. Wasted time is a crime. It's kind of stuck in my mind again at the moment. It comes in waves. Comes and goes.
But then it's the human experience, even being a fuck up, at least for some of us. We all have our own versions of the human experience for good or bad. And my human experience like every other human experience is part of a collective universal experience, I think. Or at least that's what I like to believe. I sense it, something inside intuitively senses something like that going on inside and in the universe (one of the same thing), I think. Maybe even the dark things are equally as important as the light things. So perhaps the dark horrid times are not a complete "waste" of time in the bigger picture, grand scheme of it all?
Yin/Yan. I dunno.
I'm yabbering on. I'm postulating. I digress.
Those who live with /have lived with severe EUPD and similar disorders will understand "the monster" analogy.
It crippled, disabled and disarmed me for so so long. And I was made to feel like a criminal for it by those that didn't understand. I didn't choose it.
Not their fault but man ........
It is a disorder not a decision.
Acceptance and Intentions
Meds that make me fat and tired and damages my kidneys and continuing self help psychotherapy that intrigues me and is beneficial to me, drains the bejeezus out of me, it is then. I need these things to function. Needs must. The work still needs to be done and maintained.
Acceptance. I am at peace with this most of the time. Resistance is futile!
Although I keep trying to kick the meds because I hate them a bit but it seems that's not going to happen anytime soon. It is what is. I've done the DBT pros and cons thing.
And self care. I need to refocus and redouble down on my vision and not be lured back into old boring habits. There's a lot of new shit to be done. Good shit. New places.
I need to double down on positivity.
I need to not be listening to that voice of self doubt and self sabotage in my head.
And I also need not be listening to the back stabbing gossips and wankers that nothing good to say.
I do feel myself slipping backwards sometimes and no one is noticing or listening and I do present well even when feeling terrible or in crisis even, which doesn't help. No one notices. Again, no one's fault. No blame nonsense here. I could do with a reliable real life shoulder sometimes is all. Just getting it of my chest.
Sometimes I have to dig deep. Dig down deep. I am becoming more resistant to emotional disregulation and more adult in my reactions slowly but surely.
Now I'm boring myself. Nuff said.
Shit To Do.
Community farm - contact them.
Martial arts - get in the hall.
Work stuff - comit to it
Sabs - get out there.
Courses - crack on.
Sculptures- finish them.
I have shit to do. Get on it Cummins! It all helps keep the looping noisy head quiet.
Thoughts on loop.
So, there I've typed it out very loosely and published it to "hold myself accountable", re DBT and my DBT community.
I will publish a "cope ahead" exercise later today or tomorrow as per suggestion.
This shit, this publicly openjng up and journalling makes me cringe. But there it is. It has a purpose.