Gotta get it right one day right?
Updated: Dec 27, 2020
Relationships are a dilemma when you are as emotionally messed up as I am. Have been. Am. Trying not to be. Whatever. Such fun.
BPD and depression are a cruel inflicted curse.
No one chooses this on/off on/off hell.
*deep frustrated sigh
Reminding myself and getting my head around of a few things and publicly publishing it which still makes me fucking cringe, but it's to hold my self accountable.
Gotta, wanna, get it right and settle the fuck down like the normal people out there. I can do this. I know I can. I might be getting older now but I‘m not giving in. I may have messed shit up, but not by fucking design! I’m not a monster despite what certain gossip mongers like to say. So I deserve some happiness too, right?
Bit sick of coulda, woulda, shoulda, now. Holding back until I’m beyond 💯 certain isn’t working.
So..... I need to tap into some DBT cope ahead skills stuff to help me wrap my head around this utter head fuck a bit further.
Dating When you have BPD
Dating while you have BPD can be "interesting". It can sometimes be difficult, it can sometimes be easy. It can be a magical paradise, it can be sheer literal hell.
The following is a list of ideas that can help you better navigate things. First I will talk about common symptoms of BPD in relationships, then I will talk about ways to better handle things.
Believe me, I have done all the fuck ups, almost. No cheating though and no actual physical violence against people. But I have been a total horrid dick in my time when my mental and emotional disorder was/gets left unchecked and uncared for. I’ve also been brilliantly positive and resilient and reasonable on the flip side to that, when stable and healthy. But the my previous long term relationship went snafu for the said toxic reasons above. That belongs to me, not her. So I know this subject. Take note!
Get the help you need, the support, insist upon it, knock doors or kick em down, metaphorically speaking of course lol and get the DBT, practical, spiritual and even physical support tools into place and practice as many self care and self awareness things as much as humanly possible.
NHS? Shit. In my experience anyway, bar the hospitalisations. I am grateful for them, they saved my ass. But the talking therapy side of things? Complete let down.
If you experience the same shit, don’t be kept on wire waiting and waiting only to be let down, seek alternative support. Tons of DBT available privately out there. Face to face and online, some of it for free as a starting point.
What I’m saying is, get your shit in check.
Common symptoms of BPD in relationships
-hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism ✅ -self-imposed social isolation ✅ -extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships ✅ -feelings of inadequacy ✅ -severe low self-esteem ✅ -self-loathing ✅ -mistrust of others ✅ -emotional distancing from others ✅ -highly self-conscious ✅ -self-critical about problems relating to others ✅ -lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful ✅ -feeling inferior to others ✅
Fuck. I ticked the lot along the way intermittently, at times, on/off, on/off .....
⬆ This is true to a point but borderlines need calling out on their shit too, just like anyone else. Just bear in mind that BPD isn't pretend and we're not all attention seekers or emotionally bullies (as I had thrown at me amongst other put downs re my mental health). It's a real disorder and most of us trying to find order amongst the chaos and we want to be better. Empathy is the key.
⬆ Important to keep mindful of, especially us lot. Keep mindful of our potential to be abusive.
Tips on dating with BPD
-Be open. Don’t be scared that if you’re too honest, you’ll scare your partner away. But you need to be truthful or you’ll end up bottling things up, and then exploding.
-Sometimes it’s okay to not express your fears. Sometimes our fears are small and go away if we wait, to take a minute to think logically (if you can).
Surf the urge. Google that phrase. Surfing urges is key.
-It’s okay to show symptoms, Don’t be mad at yourself for mood swings, or other symptoms. Don’t be afraid to be honest about how you’re feeling
Being BPD isn’t pretty but don’t pretend not to be your authentic self but without kicking off.
-Avoid expressing when you’re splitting. It’s hard not to let everything out when you’re mad and splitting, but try not to if you can. Try and suppress it for a little time and express your feelings once you’ve settled. This way you can express them neutrally without bias, and make sense when you do so
Splitting has ruined my life to a degree. Splitting is worth exploring in depth if you are not clued up about it. Research it.
Its vital to learn how to ”surf the urge” when in splitting territory. Splitting turned me into a horrid black and white thinking bully before I learned about this and finally got some real help in the form of DBT amongst other tools.
Surf the urge!
-Keep reminders of your partners care for you. Screenshot texts and keep them in a folder. When you are feeling unloved or the person isn’t responding, read through these to remind yourself they love you.
Since my previous relationship that I sabotaged through unchecked mental illness and the abusive behaviours that manifested, I have only had physical encounters with other women that worked to be honest. I’ve not let myself get involved in anything that means I might have to deal with the feels in a committed sense. I have had the feels. And I fucked it up. But, if I do allow myself to go there again one day, these tips above and below are absolutely happening.
-Ask your partner to give you small reminders. Ask “Every now and then can you remind me you love me?”
Nothing wrong with a bit of extra reassurance here and there, especially if you are feeling a bit wobbly.
-Set guidelines. It’s okay to have certain things you get paranoid about. Tell your partner what you don’t like. A relationship is about caring for each other and making each other comfortable. Be prepared to compensate. Sometimes we get paranoid about things that we just have to let happen. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, distract yourself.
Just because you feel paranoid and/or angry, doesn’t mean you are right. I learned this the hard way.
-Find someone with BPD to vent to. They can understand and validate your fears, so you don’t end up feeling needy or mean.
I know two or three fellow BPD afflicted souls now that I can turn to and compare notes and find a bit of empathy in regards to emotional illness which can be hard to come by, especially from people who have no real insight into such emotional disorder. My ex offered fuck all empathy. That hurt. So having someone who can relate and offer some understanding is a key tool. That said, you want that someone to use their insights and empathy to be able and willing to call you out when you have been acting out, unfair, abusive, detached, manic, whatever! Being called out honestly and firmly with empathy and love with good intention is a blessing. Some tough love is a blessing.
Even online BPD groups on social media to vent and compare notes can be a vital tool. Just be mindful of echo chambers. Hearing what you want to hear isn’t always all that helpful.
Talking 💯 percent honestly, venting, expressing and listening to other sufferers and survivors of this horrid condition is key in our journeys to learn and change and heal.
-When splitting, learn to distance yourself. If you notice you’re splitting for an unfair reason, it’s okay to distance yourself.
Jeeeeez. I find it hard to tackle this one still. Splitting has fucked my inter personal relationships. Friends, good friends, friends I would literally take a bullet for, family, girl friends, girl friends I would again have died for to protect. But alas, my splitting behaviours either drive them away or I cut them out of of my life cold. Black and white. In or out. Love or hate.
More over, especially with those who I love, as in really love, really care for, my splitting would, typically for BPD, switch between absolute love and absolute hate. No grey area. Black. White. And alternate bet the two.
Hell inside. Absolute detestable hell.
But more over, for the other person on the receiving end of such splitting behaviours, which more often than not become abusive behaviours on some level, it’s hell for them too. Sheer hell.
In a nutshell, they end up walking on egg shells trying to navigate the love/hate black/white Jekyll and Hyde maze of mood swings thrown at them, in the main, unfairly and waaaay out of proportion.
Splitting is a symptom of BPD that I never chose to manifest, a horrid symptom however that I did manifest, but never ever by choice. No one chooses to be that person, a horrid cunt. Sadly, I was. Not by conscious choice.
That said, abusive splitting behaviours are unacceptable and BPD can be the reason such behaviours manifest, intrinsically linked to ones past and ones resulting fucked up neuro pathway network BUT it’s still no excuse.
BPD and splitting once identified can be addressed and treated and managed.
One key skill to learn when splitting is to practice distance and giving the other person in the equation plenty of physical and mental space and your for your own head, your own, space! And plenty of it while you are in a bad place so you can ease yourself out of a crazy splitting spat without completely blowing up at the other person and saying and doing things you will almost always regret and feel crushing shame about once calm and not splitting. This always feeds the cycle of self shame and hatred and all the BPD cluster fuckery. And will always contribute towards the pushing away and break down of relationships.
I have lost love and friendship this way. Profoundly.
So listen to my advice and A) give your partner or mate or parent or who ever, space, when you are splitting and don’t pursue them with your splitting shit. Go away and let it dissipate and calm down inside of you and come back to it when you are not behaving insanely.
🔝 Best advice you’ll ever take notice of if you are a splitter! For your self and very importantly, other people that you split on. Walk the fuck away and calm down.
B) Address your splitting BPD with a professional and seek DBT and relevant medication. Unchecked BPD will never end and will fuck your life up. Address it.
Splitting really is Hell on earth.
-Don’t let yourself be invalidated. If you’re partner says something invalidating, mean, or hurtful, say something
Other people with it without BPD can be twats too. Speak up firm but fair. Be your authentic self and don’t let them invalidate you.
I grew up being invalidated, all my life. Even now that attitude hasn’t changed from certain key people in my life, people I let back in.
Fuck that. I tell em.
Stand up, be heard, be counted. But don’t kick off!
-Teach your partner about BPD. This may help them to better understand.
I tried this previously, encouraged it, but it pretty much fell on deaf ears. The interest wasn’t there. That said, not all people are the same. If your partner has the empathy and desire to understand the condition properly, it can only help both of you. Being understood is validation. I got invalidated and called nutter and a sad case and loner and so on.
my next serious love interest IF I ever let myself engage in it again, needs to know right from the outset that I‘m emotionally challenged/challenging and I‘m on a difficult long ass journey of relearning and unlearning and vice versa to negate making mistakes I made in the past. And mistakes the health services made. Fuckers.
Education not ignorance.
-Learn to say sorry.
Sometimes we lash out, but apologizing will help the situation. If I feel and/or know that I am wrong, I will always hold my hands up and admit my wrongs and apologise. I’m borderline, not narcissistic. Some cretins assume that borderline equals narcissistic and that’s just at ignorance.
I am working on negating the need to apologise for any of my own bad emotionally wonky behaviours, having said that, because saying sorry allll the time can be very monotonous and empty for the person on the receiving end.
On the flip side, if I am truly convinced that I am in the right and justified and apologising is not appropriate or the right thing to do, I will stick to my guns and not apologise.
Apologising when it’s appropriate to do so however, is a very powerful thing, a sign of proper humility and willingness to coexist peacefully.
If you’ve been a dick, say so and apologise. Don’t do it again.
-You deserve someone who’s willing to help you, send you little messages, not someone who invalidates you or is mean to you. We deserve a kind, loving, supporting relationship as much as everyone else.
Problem with ya borderlines is that we split on the ones we love the most, the toxic poison we are trying to detox our minds of comes raging out at the the ones who least deserve it all to often. We can be mean horrible people. Abusive.
Do the shadow work necessary to turn that shit around on a 180. DBT. Counselling. Whatever. Engage.
The other side to that is YOU deserve someone who is kind and respectful too. Someone who wants to understand and offer love and support.
It works both way ways.
⬆ My ex. It wasn't all me, all the time. I never cheated and schemed. That's calculated shit.
It’s really really bloody difficult for non borderlines in a relationship with a borderline. I know this having made life hard for a non borderline. Lessons learned. But your partner can be involved in a positive way and your relationship can be stable and happy. I know some borderline folk who are in long term, life long, happy and well managed relationships.
So... What your partner can do to help:
-Show us that you care-learn about the disorder, try to find out how to help.
-Talk to us first-start conversations with us, because we can have trouble doing that ourselves.
-We also can have a hard time making plans, so it’s better if you do it when we are somewhat wobbly.
-If you have plans with us, one on one, never, never suddenly invite someone else, anyone else, to come with us as a spare wheel. It’s a head fuck.
-Never surprise us with a bunch of people, like a surprise party. We hate that shit. Most of us do anyway.
-Don’t bring us into situations you know we won’t be comfortable in. Emotional stimulation overload may result in nuclear meltdown.
-Sometimes we need just a little break, or a little buffer between us and the situation. Space.
-Understand why sometimes we don’t want to go out in public. Social anxiety and a little paranoia is not unusual in BPD.
-Know that we sometimes don’t express affection very well.
-Please respect our disorder. It’s a legit illness not a fantasy. Like minds are vital.
I reiterate though ...
3 bits of important shit you need to get right:
-When splitting, learn to distance yourself. If you notice you’re splitting for an unfair reason, it’s okay to distance yourself. In fact it’s really really important you fo just that. Trust me. I made all the splitting mistakes so trust me. Walk away.
-Don’t let yourself be invalidated. If you’re partner says something invalidating, mean, or hurtful, say something. Be honest but be calm. Communicate calmly.
- Do the shadow work. DBT, mindfulness, spiritual growth practices, make friends with yourself. Choose happiness over despair.
Be accountable. I’m trying to be.
Research from an article:
How borderline personality disorder can affect relationships
People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often have rocky relationships, both romantic and platonic. Romantic relationships present a unique set of challenges for people with BPD and for their partners.
Symptoms of BPD can cause constant changes in emotions.
For example, a person with BPD may be affectionate and doting, but within a few hours, their emotional state may switch. They may feel smothered or overwhelmed. This can lead them to push away the partner they had just been drawing closer.
With treatment and continual support from family and partners, people with BPD can have successful relationships. Read on to find out how it’s possible and what you can do if you or your partner has BPD.
What is borderline personality disorder?
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition that affects the way a person processes everyday emotions and reactions. People with BPD are often impulsive and emotionally unstable. They may have intense episodes of anger, anxiety, and depression. These episodes can last several hours and be followed by a more stable period. These episodes could also last several days and negatively affect the person’s work, relationships, or physical health. Some people with BPD are prone to self-injury, accidents, and fights. Suicide is also more common among people with BPD.
Another way to understand how a person with BPD experiences life is to realize they have a more difficult time returning to an emotional baseline.
When something exciting or positive happens, they may experience greater joy for longer. But the opposite is also true: If something bad happens, they may have trouble bouncing back.
For friends, family members, and potential partners of someone with BPD, these emotional peaks and valleys may seem chaotic, which can lead to intense, conflict-filled relationships.
What if you are in a relationship with someone with BPD?
A romantic relationship with someone with BPD can be, in a word, stormy. It’s not uncommon to experience a great deal of turmoil and dysfunction. However, people with BPD can be exceptionally caring, compassionate, and affectionate. In fact, some people find this level of devotion from a partner pleasant. A person with BPD may also be very physical and eager to spend a lot of time with their partner.
At the same time, people with BPD are sensitive to abandonment or rejection. Many are hyperfocused on perceived signs that a romantic partner isn’t happy or may leave them.
When a person with BPD senses a shift in their partner’s feelings, whether real or imagined, they may immediately withdraw. They can become angry and hurt over something a person without BPD would not react to. They can even become obsessive. These emotional switchbacks can be difficult to handle. Sometimes they can lead to uncomfortable public scenes. The impulsive behaviour of a person with BPD may put that person or their partner at risk, too.
However, the stability of a partner may have a positive effect on the emotional sensitivities people with BPD experience. It may require a great deal of work from both partners, but long-term relationships and marriages are possible for people with BPD. How BPD affects your relationships if you have it
The most common BPD behaviors and symptoms could be detrimental to any relationship. If you have been diagnosed with the condition, you likely know this already. People with BPD are more likely to have many romantic relationships, which are often short-lived. This could be because you purposefully broke off the relationship for fear your partner might do it first. It could also be because your partner wasn’t comfortable facing so much difficulty.
It’s important to know that you can have a healthy relationship despite your personality disorder. Treatment, along with a strong support network, can help you find stability in your emotional state and in your relationships.
Treatment won’t cure BPD, but these options can help you learn to cope with the symptoms and react in ways that aren’t as harmful to you or your partner.
TREATMENT FOR BPD
The most common treatments for BPD include:
Therapy. Dialectical behavioural therapy is commonly used with people who have BPD. A therapist will help you learn to respond to emotional situations with reason and proper judgment. This will reduce the dichotomous thinking (the belief that everything is black and white)
All of the above vindicates what I’m trying to express!
This has been my position attempting to be selfless. Kinda done with that shit now 🔝 🤷🏻♂️
And being played and manipulated.
Research things I found interesting and helpful:
🛑 This blog entry is a work in progress!
Catch 22 ⬆ I get sick of the fakes and frauds though, why would I want to join them?