Goodbye assholes - rant.
I’ve dug my soul out of pitch black psychotic dark holes, I have fought to be here, I will never go back to what buried me in grief. Its been an in-describable effort to stay among the living and to reinvent myself, to rewire my mind. I’m still learning. It’s a fucking hard slog.
I have been taught some intense lessons along the way, both dreadful and delightful and some of them hand in hand and more than anything, bar about myself, I‘ve learned a lot about other humans, people, on my journey. I have learned that I am definitely not a people person and I feel no shame in that conclusion. I feel no need to people please anymore or pretend to be "jack the lad". I'm not.
One important lesson:
People. Fucking people! To many people judge without one fucking iota of an idea about truth, context and actual verifiable full facts.
I’ve learned just how cold, callous, calculating and scheming people can be. They will lie through their teeth and lie to themselves in order to get what they want. People will manipulate and twist the truth and cast dispersions upon you in order to achieve their own agenda of desires. Even those you thought might stick with you while you bleed out your soul and try to seek help and search for the path back to sanity. But no. You really can’t trust people. Fuck knows I've it done myself along the way. I am not innocent of these moral crimes. However, there's a spectrum, a scale of such cuntish behaviours we can use as a yardstick and I can honestly say that I have not been so cuntishly devious as some of the people I have been on the receiving end of on my journey.
Wow. Lessons learned. But, perhaps I deserved some of it? Karma? Is karma a thing? I don't know. I hope so though.
Put some miles and physical and spiritual space between you and your “friends” and you learn just how awful 95 percent of people you think you know really are.
Users. Out for themselves with nothing to offer in return. Zero effort to take an interest in your (new) life and/or (new) home but continue ask why you are not around! And continue to ask for favours. Where are you? Why aren't you helping me? I need this, I want that, are you going to help me? No word of interest, support or assistance during a profound time of transition in your life though. Nothing. After all the practical, financial and moral support I have gifted. Nothing. So much for karma! Lessons learned. And I am glad to be learning them.
Boy have I learned about people over the past 5 years.
This has only helped me redouble my own motivation not to be an asshole and indeed to be a better person in myself. Being fucked over by others and also fucking other people over, that stuff will never repeat itself, I promise myself that much!
I see it all so clearly now.
The assholes? I forgive them and I am letting them go. The people i have been an asshole to? I hope they can do the same for me.
The silver lining to these dark life lessons are of course the lessons on the flip side of the coin. On the flip side, the silver side of the coin, are the very few, the handful of genuinely good friends. Good mates and family members that step up and are there for you with no agenda, no motive and no judgements. Two way traffic. Give and take. They make an effort and they want to be part of your life and vice versa.
I have a few "real ones" and I am eternally grateful and blissfully happy to have these people in my life. I love them.
They make it all worth while. They are teaching me about being reliable, strong, kind and honest and that I am capable of all of these noble things and that I am worthy of these behaviours. I am worthy, I have dignity and I am likeable/lovable and I can be the decent, respectable human being I have always been struggling, badly, to be. I have not failed, its never to late to get it right and above all, I'm not a cunt, I'm okay.
Goodbye grey sky, hello blue.