Emo Reg 4a, class 16, session 4. COMMON Challenges. Notes and tasks.by
First off, WS 4a. Notes later.
Observing and Describing Emotions:
Emotion Name: Shame Intensity: 80
Not making it to interview.
Not being able to get up and get there.
Felt railroaded into this situation. I don't want this role. Felt depressed and angry at Seetec for what I see as deceiving me. I was tired, unmotivated and pissed off. My sleeping routine is back to front and I was given very little notice.
I believe they are railroading me into taking up roles not suited to my skill set and roles I don't want after explain to them exactly what I desire and require.
I believe the agreements they made re training I desire have been nothing but carrots to reel me in so they can tick their boxes and get me in and out into any old shit. It feels like I've been hoaxed.
I am assuming James is a fraud and is playing lip service. I also assume they look at me as awkward and demanding and unreliable as I could not be fucked to take their shitty offers.
To be honest, looking at it cold, I think I'm right. Empty promises or at least teases of training. Offers of job roles I will hate. They railroad and deceive in order to tick their boxes. Tricksters.
Face and Body Changes and Experiences:
Heavy feeling. Weighted. As in depressed.
Eyes were baggy and had sinus water retention around eyes.
Anxiety. Headache. Tired. Very very tired.
What did I feel like doing and saying? :
I felt like hiding. I felt like I wanted to dissappear. I wanted to smash something up. I was angry at them and me.
I felt like moaning like fuck and making a scene. I still do.
Face and Body Language:
What was my facial expression?
Tired and fed up. Probably angry at points. Tense.
Tired, slumped. Not angry aggressive. I felt angry but I was so so tired and fed up.
I think my arms and hands were saying, I give up. I clenched my fists a couple of times to myself, no one else. My eyes felt like lasers. Pissed off.
What I said?
I said very little. I was to tired to confront the situation and it was all inner monologue about how shit Seetec are and how useless I am for not going to this "interview" anyway. I berated myself for being lazy, procrastinating and being a fuck up.
What I did?
I went to bed and stayed there all day. I hid. I had to turn off my mind and this was the only way I could make that happen. I was up all night anyway so that was that. Bed time. I hid.
I kept calm outwardly and did not mash out or say anything horrible to anyone.
I slept and woke up in the afternoon and turned my phone on and faced the music.
I then spoke to Mel and found friends to be with.
I became more mindful.
What were the after effects on my mind, other emotions, behaviour, thoughts, memory, body etc? :
After this had all come to pass, I still feel disappointed at myself I didn't at least attend. Failure to do things feeds into my self shame schemeas, despite the fact I don't want to be railroaded into a position I don't want and will hate.
I felt/feel shame, depression and worthlessness for not seeing that through. Loss of dignity.
However, I still feel angry and bemused at Seetec for their bullshit, carrot in a stick tactics and hollow fucking promises. False hope. So anger and lots of questions.
Behaviour wise, nothing that impacts on anyone else. Just heavy depressive tired procrastinating hiding. That damages me alot. My routine. My goals. My motivation. My whole being, mentally and physically.
Physically, it's shit. Affects sleeping patterns. Affects work, tasks, goals.
I'm working on these patterns. I'm working on it.
So that's that for the minute. But at least I'm looking at and recognizing my emotions re the prompt.
When I confront this situation at Seetec tomorrow when I go in, this excersise, all be it a rather depressing one, will help me to remain mindful and on point about how I feel and how to remain in wise mind and behave appropriately. No kicking off.
Let's see tomorrow. To be continued!
Reminder to self ⬇️
Next up, notes from sesh:
Okay. I'm keeping this brief because I'm done in and this bastard app keeps crashing.
So, this week we covered and discussed:
Skills deficit - unlearned emotional management skills.
Why the majority of people with EUPD, contrary to the stigma norm' attitude of the uneducated in the subject, are not in fact, manipulative and nagative. We discussed this at depth, the what and whys and how's. It was good to get some vindication and back up from P.hd professionals on this topic. Some clarity about what is and is not "manipulation" and how maladaptive behaviour doesn't automatically mean one has a sneaky as fuck personality.
Why we learn maladaptive coping skills and how that happens.
The fact that the vast majority of us were not taught the most rudimentary emotional coping skills as children and teen agers as we were developing. Therefore we did not learn about emotional interaction and how that effects our entire lives.
As a result as such, commonly, we become angry at parents and others in responsible positions charged with our upbringing responsibilities. Anger issues! And how this is transferable. Learned patterns.
Fuck me. Is it real that at 42 years old I am only now getting support and help with this crock of shit? Yep. And I must practice critical acceptance of such. That sucks to be honest. But there you go.
We looked at how these maladaptive behaviours we develop to cope and survive neglect and abuse become habits and patterns of beviour, schemeas, that partially serve us with short term benefits (maladaptive coping) but long term psychological consequences and other forms of damage and self destructive shit towards our lives. Self destructive!
We looked at mood based decision making.
Triggers that dissregulate our emotions and actions.
Triggers that place us in a "fuck it" kind of funk. Depressive, angry vibe. Stobborn moods. The kind of mood where we don't get things done. Procrastinate and loose our mojo. Those moments we can't be arsed to be "skillfull". Known as woeful mind. The opposite of willful mind. Willing. Motivated. #shittymood #temper #moodbased #actingout #cunts #nopoint etc
We discussed how these mood based mind sets and decision making choices are ineffective head spaces and must be regarded as red flags and it's time to calm down and find a mindful pause in thought. Find head space to slow down.
We looked at:
False self defeating beliefs and our ability to manage.
#takeamoment and stop shoulding!
We then went on to discuss the words should and shouldn't and how they are loaded words, full of negative connotations and pressure.
We need be mindful of the shoulds and shouldn'ts and validate our self's in what ever situation we are in rather than heap unnecessary self expectations on our own backs. Think about it differently and try to critically accept what actually is going on.
This was an ahha moment because I do this alot! Allllll the fucking time. I need to look at this and practice being in the moment and accepting what ever is going on and deal with it mindfully.
This feels like it's never going to end:
We discussed this issue and how actually and we already know it, no emotion will last forever. It doesn't and won't.
Transition of negative emotions into a better place will eventually happen and always does. It can be given a nudge in the right direction though with learned skills and practices.
I can't handle this:
Research task: feel the fear and do it anyway. Look it up and read it. ✔️
We talked about how important positive affirmations are and the need to practice them and repeat them. Very very important to challenge those negative schemeas.
What if Iet myself feel? :
Notes of random key stuff;
Black and white thinking.
Try to find wisemind. The middle ground.
Rational vs emotional.
Fact checking skills
Self regulation skills
Challenge the dark thoughts
What other interpretations are possible. Think about them.
Some intense emotion can very positive and beautiful and can produce wonderful things. They need regulating though as not to go to high or to down, detrimentally.
"Difficult or negative emotions are bad to have!"
However, finding the middle ground to experience these emotions in a healthy wise mind way is essential.
Individual make up:
We touched on genetics very briefly;
Being affective in a DBT context, as in doing what works and is;
Appropriate for situation.
Good for your goals.
A skill that fits and works.
Choose Willingness over Willfulness (stubbornness) :
Being open and willing and surrendering to what is required to be healthy and what is helpful to your own well being.
Not being stubborn and resistant to positive action and change.
Willfulness is a really unhelpful attitude and is used to fight reality and acceptance.
A practice to look up and keep practicing is willing hands. Look it up!
Key words and things during discussion:
#innerwisdom = use it!
#moodbased decisions = don't use them!
Further notes which I will come back to make conclusions about tomorrow!
Note to self:
Continue round up from Abandonment issues bit!