Session 15, lesson 3 of unit 2. Checking the FACTS.
Nicked off the Web but it's cool!
This week we discussed and looked at in depth the ability to and skill needed in order to, get the facts right! Something I'v not been good at in emotional states because of my fucked up brain.
I wrote a huge long intro to this session and how it resonated with me. One big ahha moment thus lesson turned out to be! It highlighted once more again and close to the knuckle just how wrong I'v been about so many things and how I'v done people wrong due to the fact that I have this fucking illness and the fact that those who were meant to teach me these most basic of human social skills didn't and did the exact opposite.
Fuck them. Yes, I'm angry still. Neglect. Abuse. Lies. Selfish. And more. But, forgiveness must overcome and win the day.
Now, at the age of 42 after yeeeeears of pleading for the right help, I fiiiiiinally have it. And now I can truly take adult accountability and responsibility and at last learn these skill through DBT and its support mechanisms and impliment some damage limitation into my life. For myself and others who I come I to contact with in my life.
I owe this to my ex certainly who I treated very very badly. She'll never know, but perhaps the universe can send her some positivity from me.
You should of seen my original intro! To much. Delete! Ha. All the LOLs!
Into the session then, we did the conveyor belt mindfulness excersise, helping us to practice the correct observation of thoughts and identifying the correct corresponding emotion. It's all about identification of thoughts, feelings (including physicaly) and assigning them to the correct corresponding emotion.
To the well emotionally rounded and adapted person (normal person) this is a relatively straight forward and requires little effort.
To the likes of me, it fills my head with war and noise and fills my entire being with sadness and anger and confusion. It's hell inside.
These skill practices and mindfulness sessions are a god send. I kid you not.
I'll be practicing this more and with the right set up soon. Not just in theory on paper but with the post it's and "buckets".
It's all about the rewiring.
The next bit of the session was equally as 100 percent relatable and poignant and on point.
Our discussion about:
How trauma creates patterns of thinking and forming patterns of emotional and physical responses, otherwise know as schemes. Theses schemas present themselfs in our triggers and the shit show that occurs after a trigger. The skewed thoughts. The manifestations as in kick offs etc. Trauma is the root of these horrid traits. Trauma damaged our neural network.
Thoughts vs Facts.
Our need to discern between perceived emotional fact (feeling) and actual stone cold hard fact. Reality.
Our reactions to emotionally stressful situations colour our life. If we react appropriately our lives will be far less dark and far more colourful. We can reduce suffering in our lives by choosing the right type of pain to cope with to a large degree;
👉 Skewed thoughts = suffering
👉Pain and resistance = suffering
☝️Reacting to inaccurate skewed thought patterns and accompanying physical manifestations keep you stuck in loop of triggers and bad interpretations. The loop just perpetuates. Spirals. Reinforces it's self. The loop needs breaking and rewiring correctly, health like!
Those things are largely avoidable if situations are dealt with in wise mind, mindfully.
🙏Pain = ordinary pain. Less suffering.
🙏Critical acceptance = far less suffering
#Wise mind. Zen mind. In the middle.
Other things can colour the way one might be thinking and feeling in the moment such as everyday things like lack of sleep, poor diet, head ache, bad day in general etc. Check in with those things. Attain and note the facts about those things and it will help change your perception for the better a bit or alot. All counts. Every real fact counts!
Automatic thoughts and judgements
Fact check! Be mindful of jumping the gun. Be mindful of those patterns of thought and automatic negative destructive thoughts and feelings. Challenge them with stone cold light if day facts! Keep checking your self. Facts!
FACT CHECK! Challenge those intruding schizophrenic automatic thoughts with facts. The whole self perception picture will change with practice and factual positive reinforcement and affirmation.
And remember, when we do fuck up, it happens. No one is perfect. Shit happens.
Fact check! Avoid the over reactions and catastrophising and kick offs by CHECKING THD FACTS using DBT skills. The STOP skills. Slow down, fact check.
All of the above discussions were totaly relevant to my maladaptive coping skills and so so soooo helpful to cover and have a few penny drops inside my head. And to realise that I am not in this battle alone. That goes, along way despite the fact I'd rather no one else be suffering too. If you understand my meaning?
6 steps in fact checking:
We then went on to further discuss checking the FACTS and how to do so. We discussed some excersise to assist us in learning how to mindfully check for facts and keep skewed emotional mind out of it as much as possible. I made notes:
That's my very messy notes. I was writing quickly. The session motors on a bit at pace when we are live.
All 6 of these fact checking skill are very useful and very relevant as I lack the ability to do this when in emotion mind and triggered. I'v never been able to slow down enough in my automatic negative self hating mind to get facts established until after the damage has been done. The kick off.
To be clinicaly learning these skills now is really quite emotional but in a way that fills me with hope for how ever much time I have left in this life. I can do this. I can be a better person. Not perfect. But better.
I will return to these 6 points soon and explain my thinking and ideas about them soon. For now, my messy notes are above. Life changing good mess.
Further notes from sesh. Again, I will return to these soon to elaborate and order.
Yeah, ignore that last one.
I'm tired. Over and out. I'll finish this later.
A great session. Most helpful and enlightening.
And I return 26.11.19.
Been a shit week and I've fucked up.
Go to destructive behaviours on the booze with people I need to distance myself from. I need to kick the elephant out of the house, not just the room. Boozed it therefore I spent money I can ill afford to spend. Boozed it therefore I have felt shit and spiraled for 3 days. Fucked my routine. And it's all my fault. Destructive go to behaviour. Now I must redouble my efforts to get it right.
However, feeling like I feel, I must take this opportunity to check the facts against my wonky depressed head that is in a negative place.
So ..... as per homework task (WS5, page 285 Linehan) and notes above:
Emotion to change: Anxiety
Rating before: 9 Rating after:
My own self destructive behaviour of getting very drunk and spending far to much money I can I'll afford. This behaviour has embarrassed and ashamed me and I have let myself down. It's immature and does not suit me or my mental health. It had induced anxiety and depression and fucked 3 days of my life and ruined my routine and aim of achieving goals. Now I must start over again. Pretty pissed off at myself. It's only my fault. My fault! I can say no.
Check the facts:
Money wise I still have money to eat, travel and feed the cats. Everything else is paid. I'm not destitute. Just annoyed at blowing much needed cash on bullshit.
The facts apart from that are solid.
I do feel shame about the promoting event and I know I have shame issues and automatic negative patterns of thinking which might indeed amplify the shame that is appropriate. But some shame is appropriate. It's stupid behaviour and some what selfish considering finances. But I must be aware of my shame spiralling.
I also assume I am stupid. Yep. Correct. In this case. Easily influenced. Stupid.
I basicly self harmed. Took my eyes of the prize.
Check the Facts:
Stupid? Yes. Stupid as in thick? No.
Stupid as in vulnerable and kind of wanting to belong. That kind of belonging is no good for me though and will wreck my progress. Time to distance myself.
Fucked three days and my routine and didn't get my repairs and DIY jobs done. Feel ashamed. But I can get them done regardless. Same for the art. I am trying to put DBT first though and taking it very seriously.
I can learn from this and will.
I fucked up.
Three days have passed.
I screwed my routine.
I can and will catch up and bounce back. I am allowed to bounce back as many times ad it takes before it clicks and I stay where I want and need to be in order to be a better person.
Time to drop the shame and move on and learn from it.
(Commitment to my self is to not go near booze or temptations of booze for three weeks. Recoup. Get stronger.)
The threat I interpret or assume or sense is never being able to get myself out of this fucking horrid figure of eight round and round cycle of self destructive behaviour that is key in my BPD cluster fuck of screwed up shit. Excusez mon français but I must break free of this addiction to weekly benders that destroy me. This latest one was insane.
I'm afraid I won't stop doing it and I'll never truly break free of BPD. Stopping these behaviours and the booze is a must in order to assist my journey to recovery. Sobriety must be part of that.
I also fear loosing friends as I work towards achieving this goal of sobriety.
But I know the truth about real friends and drinking friends so, no need to yok on about that here.
I'm also fearful over money but again, that one is for later I feel. Just gotta ride it for now.
Check The Facts:
The fact is I don't drink everyday or anything like an addict per se but I am aware about binge drinking and functional addiction and the effects on my body as well mind. My drinking could be alot worse I know. I can kick this. I want too. I want to get sober and do real things again. Be better at life. When I'm alcohol free I am happier. Fact.
My expectations are realistic and need to be. However a habit of a lifetime, socialising around alcohol and pubs is not proving easy to break. I must do this though. I want the rest of my life to be happier and peaceful and to never treat anyone like shit again. Realistically speaking, with booze and boozers gone I can do this easier.
Loosing those friends is sacrafice to myself and those I love. There are other routes in life socially. I know plenty of non drinkers. It can be done and be okay. I won't be lonely or alone. I know this underneath my apprehension and anxieties.
The catastrophe in the case that I can't kick this fucking binge drinking self destructive behaviour is that I will never be able to recover from BPD and be happy and not be a cunt. That's about the size of it. I'll never break the chains that bind me.
I fact, if I can't beat this, it may very well beat me ⚰️.
How do I cope if it does go that way?
AA would be my next call. I'd call on AA for help re booze. Perhaps ask all the pubs to bar me. Move away. Those types of steps.
Do my emotions (intensity and duration) fit the facts?
I think my emotions got very dark and self loathing because I fucked up so hard this time and I let people who are trying to help me down. That feels pretty bad.
One or two days after the promoting event (bender) I should of felt shit to be fair but to still feel borderline suicidal three days in was a result of my unchecked shame spiralling. Next time, God for bid, I need to fact check quicker along side more effort in mindfulness and other tools I am learning.
Long story short, intensity wise, my emotions went in catastrophising mode and in wise mind could have been far lighter and wiser and that includes its duration. Score wise should have been 3 ish not 5.
And that's where I'm going to end this week's tasks, notes and waffling on.
Lots of waffle. True waffle however.
Until next time.