Mad ramble. Last one on this subject.
I owe one person an apology that I .... I don't think wants to hear it. Yeah. You know who you are.
It weighs heavy man. It's heavy.
I need to write it all down again but in order according to my mind now, not then but I haven't the time right now so it'll be a quick confusing ramble.
I need to work this through even more. Probabley always will.
I was a nasty horrid bully at times because I was so fucking fucked up Actually psychotic. A complete 100 percent dissordered hot mess. Psychosis without the right meds is not fun.
I am ashamed of myself for some of my shit. I'm still angry at that persons, well, your, lack of giving a fuck though. Just shrugs of the shoulders and anger at my being ill and no empathy. Nothing. I was a cunt though. Proper unfair cunt. I wanted to be hospitalized. I was crying for help in every way. So so fucked.
Still hurts. Still.
Waves, tides of guilt and regret and bitter anger.
The help came to late. At least someone came to my aid when I was ill and had been stabbed in the back and kicked over and over when I was down at rock bottom and chased and harrased tge system for the help I needed that I was not well enough to do for myself and other people around me were to lazy and some, to .... um ... ... uninformed ... to do.
Someone actually gave a fuck rather than stab me in the back though. The help came from the leftfield. Did not see it coming.
I am sorry though. For my bad behaviours. Now I am on the mend again, I have insight once more and more than ever before. I am honestly sorry.
I'm sorry but I'm angry. Angry but not ill. Not ill and not full of rage. Calm. Collected and aware and fully informed.
The only way I can deal with this is in therapy and in public on this blog thing. I have nothing to hide. I 'fess up to all of my shit and accept people will judge me without actually understanding. Anyone is welcome to discuss it with me privately or in public on this blog.
I'll never get ill like that again.
I'll never become an abusive angry self absorbed self harming emotional black mailing bully again. The shadow dark black BPD narc shit in me that has .... had ... the capacity to take me over when my mental health is unchecked.
I'll never get fucked over like that again either though.
This is dead letter stuff but it's out there.
Final time. Rest stays in DBT.
Fuck sakes it takes a long time to deal with this stuff.