The letter I never sent.
I own all of my bad stuff with the hope of becoming a better Human and growing spiritually. I wrote this to own my guilt and fully accept my side of any blame.
I never sent it. It was always best I just not go there. Always will be.
Why am I publishing it here in my blog? Because it is an important part of my mental health recovery and healing process. It's still valid and still important to express one way or another. To eleviate slightly the weight of regret and guilt I carry with me in my heart.
So this is it. Once posted, a symbolic act if you will, I must begin to forgive myself for my part in how things played out.
The hand written letter will be burned tonight in my garden burn bin in an act of not anger or self loathing but in an act of hope. Not just hope for myself but also for the intended reader.
Hope of a brighter future on our individual paths.
Hello Soul Twin. I am writing this letter to try to explain myself. I shouldn't do this probabley but I've started.
I’m not sure if I can ever make up for what I did to you mentally, but believe me, it haunts me everyday. I know I was lost in severe mental illness that bought out some horrible dark traits. Mental health though, is not an excuse.
I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be, but what I do know is, if I had the chance to do everything over again, I would have hugged you instead of hurting you with horrid words and psychotic angry rage. I am ashamed everyday. See, when I saw you I saw a light so bright that I couldn’t ignore. You, in all your beautiful brilliance made me want to be as close to you as possible. I wanted to know you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be part of you. I wanted all of these things and I had no clue how to get them and I didn’t think I deserved them. I lashed out at you because I thought you would never see me the way I see you. I hurt you because I was hurting. I wanted to show you love but I didn’t know how to give that. I've never really had the tools to do so. Love was never given to me. Not in a normal healthy way anyway. The opposite. Sometimes I feel evil knowing that I did what I did to you, the words. The words. Breaking things. Rage. Emotional black mail. All of it. I hated when it was done to me and then I got very ill indeed and took out my toxic illness on you. The dame shit I dreaded. I will always carry a heavy regret with me. I'm so sorry. Sometimes I feel like hell would be too good for me, but then again I sometimes wish for hell because the pain of the fire would be a constant reminder of the pain I live with everyday knowing how much I hurt you and how I drove you away. Sounds drastic but mt regrets are real.
I tried to be the best I could but life didn’t allow it. I could offer all the unfortunate reasons why I did what I did, about my behaviour. I could blame the world or tell you that you deserved it but obviously, you didn’t. You didn’t deserve how I treated you. If you could see the truth in my heart you would see that I really did love you so much. I know it’s a crazy and twisted thing to say because I didn’t show it properly but I didn’t know how. I was lost and without the help I was crying out for. What happened had nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. I know my words were like sharp lashes to you. None of them were meant. Please let it go if any of them still linger. They meant nothing. Everything I said was really how I felt about myself. My own broken spirit. I wanted you to feel what I was feeling. I wanted someone to know. I wanted you to be like me because I know I could never be like you. A good caring soul. Sane. I didn’t want to be alone in my pain. I tried to drag you with me. If I could give you what you deserve you might still be by my side. There was so much I wanted to share with you. Places to see. Projects to do. Dreams of a family and a happy life.
You were so wonderful to me but I didn’t handle you with care. I didn’t know what to do with you. Your light shines so brightly that it was hard for me to even look at you. Why didn’t I have a chance to shine like you? Why were you so lucky? I am sorry. I am sorry for what I did to you. I am sorry that I made you cry so many times. At all in fact. I am sorry that I took away your love for me. We were soul twins.
Please don’t blame anyone else or my past for what I did to you. I have been messed up. I didn’t get it right. It's my bad.
You are doing your own thing now and I hope you are being loved like you deserve to be.
I am sorry. Regretfully, You Know Who