Learning. Always learning. I gave up. But never again. Never again will I give in.
You may not ever understand, and you may not ever care to try to understand, what we go through. Many don't. Once we fuck up, we remain labelled with it forever. Unfairly, for those of us who want or have changed and try to heal.
Again, in fact, you may not ever want to understand. You may label us as "needy," or "crazy," or "fucked up in the head" permanently, end of. You may reject us, and you may avoid us like some dangerous evil plague. You may think we're just looking for attention. You may accuse us of lying to get our way. You may never truly get what we endure on a daily basis, and we don't expect you to - we just want you to hear us out. We don't mean to have seventy-three mood swings in the span of twenty-four hours. We don't mean the harmful acidic things we say when we lash out at you, and we know you usually don't deserve it when we do. We don't mean to scare you when our smiles turn into contorted facial daggers that are shot in your direction and physical anger manifests outwardly and we break shit up. There is no excuse. It's wrong. We don't want to hurt you. We never want to hurt you. I never wanted to. I was indeed fucked in the head but never ever by mallicous choice. Not once did I mean harm despite my actions.
We don't want to change our relationship goals every bloody day. We don't want to have a drastic shifts in our career goals by the end of each week. We don't strive to flip every aspect of our lives around all the time because we're searching for our true selves. It's grim. Hellish. We don't mean to hurt ourselves when things get too hard to cope with. We don't mean to frighten you when we say we don't want to live anymore. We don't mean to burden you when we require hospital stay after hospital stay just to stabilise our mental state. We don't mean to use too much bleach to rid our favorite sweatshirts of the remnants of our scars. We don't mean to damage ourselves and we certainly don't mean to make you feel like you're at fault. When we're out of control and our brain chemistry is broken, we do bad things. Never ever by evil choice. We don't mean to act on impulse. We don't mean to acquire addictions like they're the newest collectable. We don't mean to be so risky; we don't mean to make you worry when we're not sober when we roll in from the pub. We don't mean to push you away. We don't mean to love you one minute and then turn into a paranoid piece of shit asshole when we come up with illogical, irrational, horrid scenarios in our heads about how you might abandon us or how you might not love us like you say you do. We don't mean to push you away by the things we say because we want nothing more than to keep you as close as possible because we need you, even when you think we don't. It's a mess. It was a mess. Fucking auful. We don't mean to be so clingy. We don't mean to make you feel obligated to stay through desperate emotional means. It's not a concious thing wether you believe it or not. We don't plan the whirlwind that goes on in our minds when the fear that you'll suddenly leave hits. We don't expect the disastrous aftermath of our desperate attempts to get you to stay, even if you had no intention of leaving in the first place. We don't want to feel like we've lost touch with reality. We don't mean to drift out of our own heads and we don't mean to feel like we're not in our own bodies. We don't want to freak you out. We don't want to freak anyone out. None of it is meant with mallice. There was no mallice. We don't expect you to understand. You probably won't ever understand. I hope you don't ever really have to. We want your guidance. We want your support. We want you to tell us when we're acting out too much. We want firm boundaries and clear rules. We also want a hug. A helping hand to slow our unwell minds down. We want you to help us through our episodes while we are unwell. We want your reassurance that you're, in fact, not going anywhere. We want you to stay. We want you to know we're not seeking attention, and that we're not crazy.
We are unwell and we want to get better with the right help and tools. We want you to accept that we're different, and be there for us amidst those differences, and to know that despite our illness, we aren't our illness. Illness is temporary or at least can be scaled down and managed well.
We want you to know we aren't borderline personality disorder. We want you to know that we're still us, just with a few more bastard obstacles added to our course to tackle.
We're not the evil nasty people you might think we are.
I fucked up. I fucked up because I was really really really unwell without the help or support to get better, to get stable, to be happy. I became toxic.
Now I have the help I need. I have been detoxing my mind, very very mindfully.
So believe me you, I know all of this to be true.
To those of you who cast stones of judgement without ever having walked in the boots I have, think on.
Let me mend, own up, own my shit, make amends where I can or am allowed and find happiness and fall in love with life again.
One breaking wave does not explain the whole sea.