Heart Break. A Short Reflection.
What I Realized About Pain After Getting My Heart Broken as Someone With BPD
2016 my whole world was turned upside down. I was in love. I know everyone falls in love, but imagine being in love with a disorder as intense as borderline personality disorder (BPD). A love where you feel like you cannot function without this person in your life. A love where you become so emotionally attached that the only way to be detached from the person is to push them away, even though deep down you desperately want them to stay. I never felt so attached in previous relationships. That is one BPD symptom I still had little understanding of. I had fear of abandonment, just any person can experience. Yet this time, this time the fear was one of the most frightening paranoid fears I had ever experienced. I was genuinely in love, and I felt like I couldn’t escape the feeling this person was giving me. I learned of the betrayal of this person. My stomach flipped. I was desolated to the core. Some people would not act on their feelings and would have simply pressed tge fuck it button and walked away frim those feelings cold. For me, this seemed almost impossible. They say you can die from a broken heart, and I nearly did. The symptoms started to intensify when I found out the person I loved the most had really hurt me. People tend to think people with BPD “overreact” to painful situations. I felt my whole body shut down. I couldn’t leave my bed. I started to self-harm again because of the excruciating amounts of pain I was feeling. I pushed everyone away, and I dissociated to the point where I didn’t even realize I was hurting myself until afterward. The pain of people who are living with BPD is already at a heightened and intense level. So add being in love on top of that, and you might begin to understand the utter devastation we feel when someone really hurts us, fucks us over, puts the boot in willingly. I felt like I was suffocating in a big pool of crazy quicksand, and I couldn’t come up for air. Trust issues played a big part in my life already. So to find out someone you loved more than anything consciously hurt you was a big kick to the heart and mind. That person has zero insight into empathy. As I write this, it’s mid July 2018 already. I sit here in disbelief sometimes, still. Still gutted. I also wonder how I got through one of the most emotional intense period of my adult life. I learned so much about my symptoms and how to cope/manage them without resorting to self-harm or ideation. I learned who my true friends were, whom I possibly took for granted, and I sought comfort in them. I moved out of my comfort zone and met people who normalized my feelings and validated how I felt. I know there were parts of my mending where I wanted to shut the feelings out and become completely numb because I felt like I was “overreacting.” I have now learned feelings of hurt are valid regardless of how big or little they may seem to other people. If someone hurts you and you loved them, then you have every reason to feel upset, angry and in pain. I am indeed angry at that persons cold, calculating back stabbing kicks in the teeth. A real snake. If I can survive that emotional intense period of my life, after the bastard of a roller coaster of a life I had handed to me anyway, then I am capable of surviving anything. Fucking anything! It’s sad and exhausting how I have to survive and battle in order to live with this illness, but that is what makes anyone with a mental illness special. There is a unique and magical silver lining to those big fat black clouds. They get to experience everything a lot differently than someone without a mental illness. I just want anyone who has been in my position to know, despite your intense furious, sometimes dangerous reactions, your pain is totaly valid after being hurt. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently. Those fuckers that belittle and mock us no nothing.
All I seek now is healing. Fuck me though, it's taking its time.